Peeling off the mask (one layer at a time)...

Transparency.

Authenticity.

These are things that people are drawn to.

But sometimes I wonder if I really have the permission to truly be transparent and speak my mind...especially in the Church.

Lately I have been struggling.

Really struggling.

I am in this strange place of feeling as if I don't fit anywhere in the Church (not even on the fringes).

Although I want to live a radical life, I do not think that the things I do are really all that radical. I think that they are just a given. If you love Jesus, you should love on His people (even the seemingly unlovable ones).

I have a long way to go before I love people the way that I should or even desire to...but I am trying.

Oh, am I trying.

So I feel like there is this part of me that I have to hide.

I am too progressive for the fundamentalists and too fundamental for the progressives.

It makes me feel like a poser because there doesn't seem to be a middle ground between the two extremes (without being labeled lukewarm...which I pray I am not).

Where does this leave me?

Confused, I guess.

Not sure where a gal like me fits in the Christian landscape.

I am going to share something I wrote inspired by a friend.

I have been too afraid to share it publicly because I didn't want to get flamed.

But if I am really going to be real with people...I have to put my whole self out there.

I cannot live a lie:


You hung up the things of the world

only to pick them right back up

hiding behind the "Christian" guise (everything is permissible, you like to say)

who are you trying to kid?

you smell like sin

it's seeping out your pores...

I know

I have sin, too

that's not the problem

the problem is that you try to pretend that it's not (sin)

I have to be honest with you

When we worship together,

It doesn't feel like worship

It feels like I am drowning

It takes me back to my dark days

When I was spirit deep in the muck and the mire

It makes me second guess what I was taught by His Spirit

It makes me want to give in to the calling of my flesh

leaving me to stare at all of the frayed edges of these split theological hairs

If I speak my mind to you

you will tell me that I am too rigid and judgemental

and you are right (on some level)

But please

please

don't call me hateful.

Maybe when it comes to faith I just want to be a simpleton for once

I want to stare at my King with child-like wonder

and believe Him when He says that He came to save me from the wages of sin (mine).


I am tired.

Tired of doubting.

Tired of questioning.

I just want to believe.

Is that allowed?